I wake up at 5 or 5:30 these days. I enjoy being able to get something done before my family rises. My small son has trouble sleeping past 6 or 6:30 -- yes, even after staying up 2 hours past his bedtime on New Year's Eve, poor lamb. Getting things done involves such self-involved rituals as brewing tea and working out in the basement.
Each day I wake up with resolve, and do my best to get off on the right foot. By evening, my resolve wanes, and I forget my focus, and do things I regret. Staying up too late for no good reason, eating emotionally rather than for hunger, leaving chores because I'm tired, mindlessly wasting time instead of chipping away at my to-do list ... all the usual culprits.
The cycle of self-sabotage is fascinating, because there is an almost undying draw towards sloth and wastefulness that demands constant vigilance to overcome. At least for me.
The secret to my success I believe is to create a plan with rules to follow prior to the moment where I become wishy-washy. There is no such thing as will-power. But rules are helpful. Rules can be followed.
Today I will decide ahead of time what I need to get done. And I am grateful to have another chance to redeem myself.
It may be -31 C (with the windchill), but the sun is shining, and I am not working outside today. My son has the most beautiful smile in the world and he is all cheerfulness and light today. I am married to the best, most-decent, nicest, kindest human on the planet, bar-none. He is also smart, funny, and attractive.
He makes me want to be a better person. And he makes me believe that if someone that great can like me and love me and choose me, well, then, I can't be as bad as I thought I was.
The trick is to remember this. Remember not to default to self-loathing just because that is my programming. Eternal vigilance.
Mindfulness.
Gratefulness.
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