Careening around despair

My natural default seems to be negativity, pessimism, and despair. Or maybe it's just habit that I've gotten myself into, so it feels ... familiar. Familiar doesn't always mean right, however.

I'm trying to raise a child who is unafraid to try and fail, try hard, and fail, try harder yet again, and still be able to embrace failure with equanimity. Failing just means you need to try harder, right?

And yet, here I am, letting fear make me apathetic and inactive.

No excuses. Now, take a deep breath, remember gratitude, gratefulness, and the exquisite beauty of having love in my life, and go out and kick some butt.

Everymorning

Every morning I am grateful that the day begins again. I am grateful that my son wakes up whole and healthy. I am grateful to wake up in this home with my people. I am grateful to be with the ones I love.

These days I struggle so much with feeling worthy. What does that even mean? Hopelessness and a grey lethargy claw at me apathetically, and I doubt constantly. Doubt. The past echoes in my mind, the words of every unwise thing I've ever said or done rearing up to remind me that I am the architect of my own misery. 

I know it's all mindset, and I know it's possible to be different if you want to be. So I take a breath and remember gratitude. Today I will remember to breathe. Today I will remember not to sink down. Today I will not give in. Today I will not give up.

Three things to be grateful for today

This morning I am grateful that I am fit enough to have just finished a pilates work out.

I am also grateful that I remembered to make tea before the workout, so it's hot and delicious now.

I am thirdly but absolutely not lastly grateful to wake up in this house with my two wonderful family members.

We got to spend the whole afternoon and dinner with Nana and Papa yesterday, playing such games as dominoes and crokinold, and I revel in having such people in our lives.

Like a beetle in a bowl, or a marble in a shoe box.

I just finished yet another yoga workout whilst listening to a yoga podcast. I still find it incredibly challenging to do the final pose -- shavasana -- the pose of total relaxation. Thoughts scurry around my mind like marbles inside a shoe-box or beetles in an otherwise empty bowl. And then I start to get anxious about everything not yet done in my life, and I find it impossible to justify these minutes doing 'nothing' when I haven't earned them. I haven't accomplished enough that I deserve to lie in corpse pose letting my body relax entirely.

That is my defeatist, self-fulfilling attitude. Which sucks.

So, today I will remember to breathe, and try not to feel like I am a beetle in a bowl or a marble in a shoe-box. I will let their accompanying anxieties fall away. Today I will deport myself as if I could be a success.

It's a good day to be great

I know that the etymology of great and grateful are different. Grateful comes from the latin gratus  and great comes from old English. That being said, I do believe it's impossible to be great if you are not grateful. Today I will focus on being great. I will not let my insecurity and self-loathing get the upper-hand. I will be brave. I will breathe  and remember gratitude. I will stay on track and keep myself on an even keel. I will stand up for myself to myself, and ask for what I need. I will not let lack of confidence prevent me from taking my next step.

One of my biggest failings is the difficulty I have in believing in myself. For this reason the smallest stumble can send my wildly off course. I spend an inordinate amount of energy talking myself back on track, reminding myself why I am worthy of breathing air and occupying space on this planet.

Today I will breathe in humble self-conviction and gratitude, and I will remember to be great as well as grateful.

It's a good day to be great.

Remembering Gratitude

This morning I woke up at 5 feeling ready to face the day. One Eoin Finn yoga podcast, a green drink, and a cup of tea later, and I am ready to get ready for a day on set.

Today I am grateful to my lovely husband who balances his busy schedule with my busy schedule so that I can do the work I truly want to do. I am grateful to Eoin Finn for his lovely podcasts and his lovely spiritheart and for sharing his blissful yoga with the world. I am grateful for Alice and 52 Words for Love, and for the chance to go to work today.

And it's going to be well above zero, for which I am also truly grateful.

I woke up today not feeling depressed, for which, as well, I am significantly grateful.

Feeling good is such a tricky thing. I don't know if feeling down is organic, if it's psychological, if it's simply habit ... Perhaps it's simply 4 decades of being afraid and self-loathing. Does everyone feel that way?

Today I will stop, I will notice, I will breathe, and I will remember gratitude.

Remain Calm and Parent with Bliss

Five year olds alternately light up the universe around them with incandescence and brilliance, and act like frothing, seething demon possessed changelings. In short, they could try the patience of a stone. I, being so very very human and not at all stoney find it is my challenge not to become emotionally involved in the tantrums of a small child. If I am tired or stressed, I react.

So, I resolve to breathe, give space for the insanity to dissipate, and discuss calmly and rationally once the crisis has passed.

Today I will be grateful for the intelligence and great health of my child that allow him to be so maddeningly in his own world, unable to listen, zooming around the stratosphere, inventing reasons why he can't possibly do what I ask, challenging me, turning the tables on me, and of course creating the most amazing universes inside his own head.

I shall simply stop, breathe, and enjoy his imagination.

Remembering gratefulness.

Trying to remember how to believe

I think it all starts with breath. Breathe and remember gratitude, and then you can remember how to believe.

But it's like walking on ice, with its constant sliding, slipping, falling ... Like bambi on a skating rink.

There are days when remembering comes easier, and days where it's hard.

Today there is a constant danger of falling.

I must remember gratitude. I must remember to breathe.

It's a Beautiful Day

It's 7:30 and I've been up for 3 1/2 hours. I've never been the best sleeper, but this is early even for me. I woke up with a headache and a warm cat snuggled up to me. I woke up because my son had a nightmare. I'm grateful that he went back to sleep. A five year old short on sleep by a few hours is a sad thing, friends.

A yoga session and a cup of tea later, I wrapping my head around what needs to happen for the day.

I need to get into a routine. It's not enough to want something. Wanting isn't magic. It doesn't make things happen. The routine has to involve daily practice of what it is you want to achieve and until you do that, you are never going to achieve it.

So, today I will, as everyday, make sure I practice. And I will find time to play the ukulele while I'm at it. And I will remember that I want to approach everything I do with a positive attitude. You get to choose how you face things. You just don't get to always choose what it is you face. Keep your power by making the choice instead of defaulting in a way that will ultimately disappoint you.

And now, while the house is still sleeping, I will face the day!

Self-Sabotage and Resolve

I wake up at 5 or 5:30 these days. I enjoy being able to get something done before my family rises. My small son has trouble sleeping past 6 or 6:30 -- yes, even after staying up 2 hours past his bedtime on New Year's Eve, poor lamb. Getting things done involves such self-involved rituals as brewing tea and working out in the basement.

Each day I wake up with resolve, and do my best to get off on the right foot. By evening, my resolve wanes, and I forget my focus, and do things I regret. Staying up too late for no good reason, eating emotionally rather than for hunger, leaving chores because I'm tired, mindlessly wasting time instead of chipping away at my to-do list ... all the usual culprits.

The cycle of self-sabotage is fascinating, because there is an almost undying draw towards sloth and wastefulness that demands constant vigilance to overcome. At least for me.

The secret to my success I believe is to create a plan with rules to follow prior to the moment where I become wishy-washy. There is no such thing as will-power. But rules are helpful. Rules can be followed.

Today I will decide ahead of time what I need to get done. And I am grateful to have another chance to redeem myself.

It may be -31 C (with the windchill), but the sun is shining, and I am not working outside today. My son has the most beautiful smile in the world and he is all cheerfulness and light today. I am married to the best, most-decent, nicest, kindest human on the planet, bar-none. He is also smart, funny, and attractive.

He makes me want to be a better person. And he makes me believe that if someone that great can like me and love me and choose me, well, then, I can't be as bad as I thought I was.

The trick is to remember this. Remember not to default to self-loathing just because that is my programming. Eternal vigilance.

Mindfulness.

Gratefulness.

Day Two -- how many mistakes have we made so far?

It's the second day of the New Year. Yesterday was a jangle of over-tired child, low energy, and apathy. Aside from a trip to the local green house to enjoy the seasonal decorations, it was a quiet day at home. Games ended in tears, and there was a gnawing edge of frustration underneath it all, like tightly coiled rage just waiting for a reason to unleash. Next year, we won't keep our child up past his bedtime ...

But we got through it. My 5 year old fell asleep after just a few minutes of reading a story with him, and he slept an hour later than usual this morning. Perhaps today will be sunshiny after all.

I resolve, regardless of how frustrated I feel with a five year old's inopportune freak outs, that I will remain detached from the emotional drama of the moment, able to be wise and thoughtful. Yeah, good luck.

I started the day with a beautiful yoga podcast from the amazing Eoin Finn of blissology.com. While I don't feel blissful, I do feel ready for the day.

Today I will be all that I know I can be.

Today I will remember gratefulness, and breathe my way through the day.

A Brand New Day

Good morning world, it's a brand new day.

After a night fraught with nightmares, and a year filled with hopes and dreams and effort and disappointment, I greet this first day of 2014 with weary regret. Regret is my constant companion. Regret for every mistake I've ever made. Regret for not being the person I want to be. Regret for how far short of the mark I fall. Perhaps not what I'm supposed to say, resolution wise, on the first day of the New Year. But it's truthfulness -- as well as gratefulness -- that I seek.

Every new morning is a new chance to do it differently, to approach the day with a different attitude, to try harder, to be more of who I want to be.

Today I will be the mother my son deserves. Today I will be the wife my  husband dreamed of. Today I will be the me that I know I can be if I just don't get in my own way.

After all these years, I still let fear and insecurity get in my way and stop me from being all that I can be.

So today, borne hopefully on the wings of a brand new day and a brand new year, I will approach all that I do and all that I am with patience, gratitude, and conviction.

I can choose to be insecure, regretful, scared, impatient, and small. Or I can be vulnerable, patient, and brave.

I choose brave. I choose grateful. I choose a brand new day.